CHARACTERS :
Homo Rhetoricus (HR)
Homo Seriosus (HS)
Nietzsche
SET :
The set is a fairly bare bar which is neither too “up scale,” nor is it a “dive”—simply a bar. The lighting should remain dim throughout the entire play, allowing the audience to discern little more than the characters' silhouettes. Other than two swiveling stools, the bar must have a monitor for those annoying electronically inter-active trivia games. Also, throughout the play, the audience should hear “bar sounds” (i.e. inaudible conversation, laughter, music, pool balls, glasses clinking, etc.) even though the bar is empty save for the few characters. As the play begins, Fish, the bartender, is behind the bar stoically taking stock of his inventory while unconsciously polishing a glass. After only a few beats, he unexpectedly jumps up on the bar and breaks into song.
FISH: [ singing in a booming voice ] The rains came down, And the floods came up. The rains came down, And the floods came up. The rains came down, And the floods came up. And the foolish man's house went splat. [ as if right on cue, Fish finishes and quietly resumes his former occupation simultaneous with Homo Seriosus's entrance ]
HS: [ enters checking the place out but walks straight to a bar stool like a regular ] That's some set of pipes you got, Fish.
FISH: [ roused from his inventory but still mechanically cleaning a glass—the same glass throughout the play ] Classically trained [ slight pause, an afterthought ] But how'd you [ Fish is cut off by HS and never finishes ].
HS: Are you kidding me; I could hear you all the way down at the corner.
FISH: Your usual?
HS: Is he here yet?
FISH: Nah, You're a little earlier than usual?
HS: In that case, make it a double. I want to get a head start on him.
FISH: [ proceeding to fix HS's drink but with curiosity ] Drinkin'?
HS: No, no. I meant on my score.
FISH: [ setting HS's Crown & Coke down in front of him ] Oh yea, I almost forgot. [ Fish turns around picks up a remote box for the trivia game and turns back and sets it next to HS's drink ] There you are; all set.
HS: [ as he begins to enter his name onto the screen which the audience can see ] So, Fish, this guy walks into this bar [ but HS does not finish because simultaneous to his delivery of this line, HR enters the bar, walks right to the empty bar stool, and interrupts by finishing the sentence for him ].
HR: And orders a Crown and Coke—[ shoots a quick look at HS's drink ]—make that a double; and begins to cheat at some annoying trivia game. [ turning his attention toward Fish and in his best Budweiser commercial imitation ] Whaatz uppp?
HR: Simple, just puts your lips together and [ is cut off by HS ].
HS: [ mildly irritated; pointing at HR's beer ] I meant that . . . that, milk product you call beer. [ HR “slams” his Jager shot ] And that! That nasty black licorice tasting [ trails off and does not finish ].
HR: [ takes a drink of his beer and holds it up ] You weren't going to make some reference to that “Black is beautiful” bumper sticker were you?
HS: Don't even start. [ almost like a whining, tattling little kid ] Fish, don't let him start.
FISH: Hey, don't look at me; my name's Saul and that's between ya'll [ as an afterthought and directed more to himself ] or is it Paul?
HR: [ in a pretty good Irish accent ] Ey, Fish, did I tell ya me leprechaun joke?
HS: You mean the one you stole from the bathroom stall?
HR: [ turning toward HS's accusation ] What?
HS: You know; the one right under that asinine poem.
HR: [ smirking ] Asinine, is that seven or ten syllables?
HS: [ ignoring HR's joke ] You know; the one that doesn't make a damn bit of sense.
HR: Sense?
HS: [ still ignoring HR ] Meaning; there's no meaning.
HR: Meaning?
HS: [ taking a big drink and pointing to the remote ] Don't let anybody take this, Fish. [ turning back to HR ] Come on.
HS leads HR, beer in hand, off stage . As soon as they are off stage, Fish unexpectedly jumps up on the bar and breaks into song.
FISH: [ singing in a booming voice ] The rains came down, And the floods came up. The rains came down, And the floods came up. The rains came down, And the floods came up. And the wise man's house stood firm. [ about three beats after Fish has again quitted the bar and returned to his mindless cleaning, Hegel enters and awkwardly approaches the bar ]
FISH: [ in his “professional” voice ] What can I get for you?
HEGEL: Is this where the Karaoke is?
FISH: The Kerri-who?
HEGEL: Karaoke; you know, people sing their favorite songs [ an afterthought ] kind of an imitation of reality.
FISH: No singin' and no solicitin' here; you'd better take it somewhere else, buddy.
HEGEL: [ confused ] But I heard singing from all the way down at the corner.
FISH: [ grabbing a baseball bat and starting out from behind the bar ] I said peddle your realty somewhere else.
Hegel doesn't even wait for Fish to finish before he runs out of the bar, and right after his exit, HS and HR, with his empty glass, come back from the bathroom.
HS: Who was that?
FISH: [ returning behind the bar but still holding the bat ] Dunno, some punk pitchman.
HR: Was he wantin' some batting practice?
HS: [ groaning ] You're pathetic.
HR: It's fun; you should try it sometime [ raises his empty glass to Fish ] Can I get some more high-octane milk?
FISH: [ apparently not interested in their banter ] Well?
HS: Well, what?
FISH: [ pouring HR another Guinness ] Well, you two didn't go in there to hold the toilet paper for each other like a couple of teenage girls, did ya?
HR: [ taking the new beer from Fish and clearing his throat ] Okay, here goes.
FISH: Wait; you have to do it right.
HR: [ takes a big drink, sets his beer down, gets up on top of the bar, picks back up his beer, and recites ] Can't say can't not / Overlay of marooned croons / jilting their masters with / aluminum spoons / I thought I sawed a mocking berth / a wrinkled lawn, a floating palm. / Going nowhere faster than a / speeding bullet on a personal / crusade to quilt the noise / & make hems glide. / The glue uncorked smelled sweeter than / a carriage ride through heaven but turned many / an head in opposite confection. / All together on the / blinkering rip of fate.
As HR finishes and climbs down, Fish whistles and bangs his fist on the bar, but HS merely shakes his head.
FISH: Excellent! Excellent!
HS: [ obviously annoyed ] Excellent? What do you mean?
HR: What do you mean?
HS: [ childish ] I asked first.
HR: [ mimicking ] I asked second.
FISH: What's on third. [ Fish and HR burst out laughing, but HS is not amused. Repressing his laughter ] Sorry; what's not to like? It's got personal crusades, and carriage rides, and fate.
HS: Make fun of me all you want; it's senseless; it's just pointless wordplay—useless.
HR: Kinda like playing trivia.
FISH: [ continues while HR drinks his beer, and HS begins looking for the trivia remote ] You know; it has all of those things, but it keeps from just being chicken.
HS: [ still looking for the remote, but clearly interested in an explanation ] Chicken?
FISH: [ stating the obvious, as HR continues to drink, but he too is clearly attentive ] Chicken.
HS: [ even more confused ] Chicken? As in KFC?
FISH: Sure.
HS: [ exploding ] Are you on crack! What the hell does KFC have to do with some dumb-ass poem on the bathroom stall?
HR: [ calmly inserting his “two cents” ] I thought you said asinine.
HS: Shut up! [ aimed back at Fish; pleading ] Aren't you going to explain?
FISH: Sure [ but he makes absolutely no attempt to explain; instead, he takes HR's now empty glass and begins to pour him another beer ].
HS: Well?
FISH: [ setting the new beer down in front of HR and pouring himself a double shot of Jack Daniel's ] Sorry, I was just thinking about the first line, “Can't say can't not.” [ “slams” his shot with little, if any, reaction and continues ] Well, it's like it's got all the things poetry's supposed to have, but it turns them on their head somehow.
HS: I don't understand.
HR: Quit buzzin' too early; it's not a trivia game.
FISH: [ continues as if he were not interrupted ] Have you ever noticed how everything always tastes like chicken? Gator—chicken; rattle snake—chicken; frog's legs—chicken; If you ever want to give something any flavor, you have to marinade it or smother it in something like a marsala sauce. This poem's not chicken, or at least plain chicken.
HS: What a crock of [ but he is interrupted by HR and does not finish ].
HR: Damn, you're making me hungry. You got anything other stale pretzels, Fish?
HS: Stale pretzels don't taste like chicken.
FISH: [ ignoring HS ] Let's order some pizza.
HR: Mmmm and some hot wings.
HS: [ beginning to pout ] Pizza doesn't taste like chicken.
HR: [ as Fish goes for the phone to place a pizza order ] How's the trivia coming?
During the next brief exchange between HR and HS, Fish is busy ordering on the phone.
HS: I can't find the remote.
HR: Did you take it to the bathroom?
HS: No, I had Fish watch it.
HR: Oh well, those things are always subjective anyway.
HS: Subjective? How can trivia be subjective?
FISH: [ hangs up bringing an end to the “subjective” exchange by commenting to HR ] They were out of hot wings.
HR: Man, all that talk about chicken has me jonesin' for some hot wings.
FISH: Hey, beer and pizza; what? You want your cake and eat it too?
HR: Don't even start in on cake.
HS: Fish, have you seen the remote?
FISH: Not since you told me to watch it.
HS: Damn [ aimed at HR who is laughing ] what?
HR: Nothing; I just thought that was funny.
HS: That he hasn't seen it.
HR: That he hasn't seen it since you told him to watch it.
HS: How's that funny; it's irritating—like that damn poem.
FISH: The chicken poem?
HS: It's not the chicken poem; it's some [ overly emphasizes ] asinine poem on the bathroom stall next to some lame-ass leprechaun joke.
HR: [ again in Irish accent ] Ey, ya just a wee green ya don't know how to enjoy language.
HS: [ ignoring HR ] Where the hell's the remote?
HR: [ ignoring HS ] How long on that pizza, Fish?
FISH: That's the great thing about being on the same block; they usually just send that German kid instead of waiting for a driver.
HR: Did you really like the poem?
FISH: Better than the leprechaun joke.
HR: So I did tell you.
HS: They're both silly and contrived—useless.
FISH: Yo mama is silly and contrived.
HR: Don't forget useless [ an afterthought ] I wonder if she taste like chicken.
HS stands up, throws his drink in HR's face, and then calmly sits back down. Fish hands HR a towel and begins whistling “The Rains Came Down and the Floods Came Up” as he makes HS a new drink. As HR is drying himself off, he is also laughing.
HS: What is it now?
HR: I just think it's funny that you can find meaning or make any sense out of Fish's chicken poem, but you get mad enough over a yo mama joke to waste a perfectly good Crown and Coke.
FISH: [ setting HS's new drink down in front of him ] Make that a double.
HR: I just think it's funny that you can find meaning or make any sense out of Fish's chicken poem, but you get mad enough over a yo mama joke to waste a perfectly good Crown and Coke. How was that?
FISH: Silly and contrived [ both Fish and HR burst out laughing while simultaneously Nietzsche enters with the pizza delivery ].
NIETZCHE: What's so funny?
HS: Don't ask?
NIETZCHE: I already did.
HS: Don't be so literal, kid.
FISH: That's the pot callin' the spade a chicken [ again Fish and HR burst out laughing and are only able to control themselves because Nietzsche produces the pizza from his insolated pouch ] How much we owe you, kid?
NIETZCHE: Tony said this one's on us [ placing the pizza down on the bar ]. Hey, can I use your restroom?
FISH: Knock yourself out, kid.
Nietzsche exits to the bathroom while HR tries unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh.
HS: What's so funny now?
HR: Nothing; I was just wondering what our little pizza delivery boy would think of the chicken poem.
HS: Quit calling it the chicken poem; makes me think about swaying on the tables and singing about how I don't want to be a chicken.
FISH: Speakin' of repressin' German tradition; that kid's probably in there carvin' a swastika right now.
HS: Is he a Nazi?
HR: [ mocking ] Don't be so literal, kid.
HS: Funny.
HR: Now you're getting it.
HS: I'm going to go see if he's doing anything.
As HS gets up and walks to the bathroom, Nietzsche comes out and back over to the bar to pick up his pouch.
FISH: [ to Nietzsche as he's leaving ] Tell Tony thanks.
NIETZCHE: [ back over his shoulder ] No problem.
As Nietzsche leaves, HS comes back from the bathroom.
HS: You're never going to believe this.
HR: [ sarcastically ] He really did carve a swastika.
HS: [ ignoring HR ] First, that little bastard scratched, “God is Dead” on the wall.
HR: [ to himself ] Here we go again.
FISH: Wait; you mean right there by, “Bloom was here”? That's been there almost since I open, but it's so hard to see because of the glare most people miss it.
HS: How can you miss that?
FISH: Is this the first time you've seen it?
HR: You said, “First,” so what's the second thing we're not going to believe?
HS: [ producing the remote for the trivia game ] Look what I found in the bathroom.
HR: [ obviously not too interested ] Hey, pass me some of that pizza, Fish.
FISH: I didn't know you wanted anchovies on it [ again Fish and HR burst out laughing ].
As Fish and HR begin to eat, HS settles his attention back on his trivia game.
HR: [ after a couple of bites ] So, Seriosus, how are you doing?
HS: Damn, I'm so far behind these two guys: Hegel and Nietzsche. [ slight pause ] Hey, Fish, who all's been playing tonight?
FISH: You're it, buddy.
HR: These are so easy; I bet Fish could get that one.
HS: Well?
FISH: Well, read it to me; I can't see it from here.
HS: [ reading ] Who played Batman in the second movie, Batman Returns ?
FISH: [ barely waiting for the question to end ] Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
HR: [ laughing ] Now that would make it interesting.
HS: What?
HR: Having to rank an actor's performances.
HS: [ almost horrified; leaving a bad taste in his mouth ] But that's so subjective.
HR: That's what'd make it interesting.
HS: It's not supposed to be interesting.
HR: Fish, Today's not opposite day, is it?
FISH: [ delivered with a “who-knew” shrug ] Go fish [ as the lights fade to black, Fish and HR burst out laughing ].